the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
