he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
