i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
he was CRYING into my vagina
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
