I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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