Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
