My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
