The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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