i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Randomize
