just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
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