You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
