im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
