Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I'm just crazy horny about you
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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