I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
