Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
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