my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
