Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
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