Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
