I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
