Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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