I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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