"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Randomize
