Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
