This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Randomize
