At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize