the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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