i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
