I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Randomize
