life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
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