I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
