i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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