My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
be right there i have to get my cape
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
