I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize