He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize