positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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