why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Randomize
