Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
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