I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Randomize
