she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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