Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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