My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
