Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
No...this little piggys going to the bar
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
