I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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