areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
