Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
