Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
