I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
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