then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
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