there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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