You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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