What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
