I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
