I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
