Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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