Just mADE A PArabola og urine
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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