God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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