The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
