The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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